Summer's coming to an end and for me, that means new beginnings. Outgrowing some things, and generally cleansing out stuff and people that don't have a positive influence on me. I'm in a weird state of growth right now. And by "right now" I think I mean that I think it's been happening for a while but I'm just now realizing it.
I thrive best in friendships and relationships that have meaning - I don't do surface level shit. The down and dirty details of your life, what makes you tick, what pisses you off, what you are passionate about - those are the things I want to know. Those are the things I want to share. I can do surface level for a hot second, but after a while it becomes so tedious and I have to get out.
Love is loud. Love is THE LOUDEST. (My good friend Audra posted about this a few weeks back on IG - you can check out her blog here.) I love hard and I'm loyal as fuck. But because of this, it takes me a while to become close to people. I want to give them my best self, not just a fraction of me.
And right now, I don't have room to give. I don't have space. I've gotten a few comments recently, people saying in passing, "you haven't been going on many dates lately. What's up with that?" And because I'm all about transparency and being up front and honest, the reason I'm not is because I don't feel comfortable with ME right now. I'm heavier than I've been in a very long time, I don't feel comfortable in my clothes, and I don't feel like I can accurately portray who I really am to a complete stranger when I'm in this headspace.
Empowering women is my gig - I love that shit. But I also feel like I owe it to you to let you know that this shit isn't easy. It is WORK to be comfortable with who you are and not question it, and not care when others question it. We are so ingrained to "speak up, but not too loudly" / "smile, but not too much, he might get the wrong idea" / "have an opinion but maybe not THAT much of an opinion" - these things wear on us as women. And I feel a bit worn out right now.
So my dating apps are deleted, and I'm focusing on me. Mentally getting healthier (I've read 3 books in the last week, because I like to, and it's my time to decompress) and physically getting healthier - I am so amped about having switched back to my old gym. (Completely fucked up my back this week so I'm heading to the chiropractor tomorrow - once I'm realigned it's game on, baby.)
Work on yourself. If you feel like you're being split between too many things, delete some. Remove negative influences, things that give you anxiety. I'll be over here working on myself too.
Helen Foster aka HeleFab comin' atcha!